I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
