I must be too annoying 4 u.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
