mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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