you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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