i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
