I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
