im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
