My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
