I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
