At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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