So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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