So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
