I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
