I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
