sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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