dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
