I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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