girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
