she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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