I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
