Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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