Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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