i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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