Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
