I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
