ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Can i not drive my cunt home
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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