Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
