there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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