I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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