I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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