Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
