she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
