Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
