Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Randomize
