I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
