My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
