If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
