You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
