Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
