Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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