ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
