When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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