you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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