Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
