i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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