My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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