And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
