I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
