Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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