my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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