I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
