If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
