Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
