She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
