3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
