I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
