Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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