We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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