Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
