I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
