Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
