i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
