Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
