Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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