you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
